John Kanyoni, the founder of Safe Haven Nurtures,
Any good relationship is sustained through communication. In marriage, communication is key, as it is essential in expressing the couple’s needs, both verbal and non-verbal, feelings, thoughts, and other needs. When there’s a breakdown in communication, for instance, when partners are not effectively communicating with one another, and when they do, it is often with arrogance, accusations, and shouting at each other, this is likely to lead to physical fights, depression, suicidal ideation, separation, and eventually divorce, among others
If in an unfortunate situation, communication breaks down in a marriage. the partners experience reduced intimacy or none at all, are emotionally disconnected, and trust issues develop that lead to insecurity. Couples who are not able to communicate in a timely and effective manner struggle to resolve conflicts, leading to increased stress, frustration, and eventually a breakdown of the relationship, either separation or eventually divorce
I have taken time over the years interacting with couples, in seminars and workshops, or in cancelling sessions, and it is true that when communication is affected, couples either shout at one another, or have different perceptions and suspicions, judgments, trust issues and other stereotypes. Usually this starts on a lower note and eventually escalates to a situation where sometimes you find that couples are living in the same house but they are not talking to one another or when they talk, it is just shouting at one another This is a situation that comes in a situation that is referred to as “nill by mouth”
I have written this blog for those in relationships who are having trouble communicating with each other and contemplate giving up after feeling like they’ve tried everything. We’re going to discuss what causes communication breakdown in marriage, share case stories of hope from around the world, and, most importantly, provide you with real-life methods to help you reconnect through words.
When the Talk Ends
A few years ago, I counselled a couple, let’s call them Tony and Sue. They had just celebrated their 10th wedding anniversary. Their life on the outside would be what most people admire, with two cars and a lovely, spacious home on a mortgage. Tony was doing well in a contracting business while Sue was in a well-paying Job as an accountant. However, looks are deceiving. The two looked admirable from the outside they but deep inside, things were burning and empty. They had reached a point where every conversation almost ended up in a fight, so they agreed to seek professional counselling.
Sue was the first to go. “We rarely create time to talk and when we do, it always ends up in a quarrel ,” she said softly, hardly being heard. “He’s always on his laptop, phone or TV when he gets home late most of the days, Most of the times, I am attending to the children or fixing a meal. By the time I am done, He is either too tired to talk or sleepy.”
Tony spoke in a deep voice, brief and concise. “I am always on the wrong. Every time I talk to her, she just gets defensive, and every issue is turned against me. Everything I say is wrong. So I’ve learned to keep quiet. It’s easier and safer for me.”
Tony and Sue’s scenario is shared among many couples today. Sometimes the silence is too loud to ignore; it’s a profound lack of connection. The couple hardly has a safe space to express their feelings and emotions, unmet needs, and frustrations. Shouting at one another, justifications, and blaming one another are usually an indication that their relationship is falling apart at its very core. They disregarded the basic norms of connection, interaction, and companionship. They no longer see each other as partners; instead, they see each other as enemies in a silent struggle.
At this stage, many couples regret marrying and on a bad day, will say words like “ Why did I get married to him/her”, “I married the wrong person.”
This is the time that many couples throw in the towel, believing that their love has just run its course. But what if the language is lost, rather than the love? The problem may not be how you feel, but the but a safe environment to express it.
Like any other skill, communication is a talent that can be learnt, practiced, and improved as long as we are willing to learn
Why Communication Breaks Down
Some of the reasons that communication in marriage breaks down are;
- We stop listening to understand and start listening to reply. I call this the “Adamic Spirit’ rushing to justify ourselves or giving excuses and not truly listening to our partner
- Instead of seeking clarification, we make assumptions and judgments based on our perception, attitude, mistrust, and sometimes guilt.
- We commonly use the “You” statement, which is accusative and attracts defence. Using the “I” statement is polite and non-judgmental. Instead of saying, “When we are not together, I feel lonely,” instead of “You never create time for me.” When we use the “you” statement, our partner switches to defensive mode, which will likely result in a quarrel.
- Avoid piling up unresolved issues. When we don’t address the minor issues as they arise, they build up to frustrating issues that may not be solved without anger and unjustifiable fights
- Create time for your spouse. Connection and companionship don’t just happen; it is an intentional effort made by both partners. When we don’t prioritise this or procrastinate, work, kids, and daily responsibilities take over. it’s built by time invested together.
- Accept each other’s communication style. We are all different, some direct and logical, while others are more emotional and expressive. When we don’t acknowledge these differences, there is a possibility that the other person can feel unheard or misunderstood
Accepting these habits is the first step toward transformation. We need to realise that your partner is not unjustifiably difficult or a bad person. Most likely it’s a lack of proper communication, and once both of you realise that and change, marriage can be bearable and enjoyable.
Real life cases
Everyone has trouble communicating, but the ways to mend can be different for each person. Here are two narratives from different parts of the world that demonstrate the power of intentional conversation.
Kenya—Jose and Joy
Jose and Joy had been married for twelve years and were living on the outskirts of the capital city, Nairobi. Their early years were filled with love and fun, but as their family grew, so did their money problems. Joy a housewife also managed their small farm while Jos worked long hours in the city. Their different engagement schedules created a physical and emotional gap between them.
Joy was complaining that despite her doing a lot at home and the farm, her husband did not appreciate her. She complained that Jose was no longer treating her as a wife, but as a house and farm manager. On the other hand, Jose thought that his wife, Joy, did not understand what he was going through, including waking up early to go to work, meeting deadlines, and dealing with transportation hassles, among others. He judged that Joy was inconsiderate and continued to complain.
On advice from a mentor, they started creating “us time” where they would meet once a week to check I on one another. They agreed this was not the time to discuss or solve issues, but a time when they would find out how the other was doing. Some “us-time rules” were agreed upon, like No Interrupting, no using the phone or any other gadget. As time went by, they started to express their feelings with context, which was relieving to know that there was someone who cared and was available to listen and empathize with.
The “Us-times” were a game-changer over time. Both Jose and Joy grew to appreciate each other as a safe environment to express one’s feelings, emotions, and concerns without condemnation or being judged. This helped them understand what each of them was going through in their work engagement and offered support, while also appraising one another. This in turn helped them restore their communication, which resulted in increased trust, emotional support, and stronger bonds. Joy reported that they now have intentional time that they have allocated to each other and their children
Mark and Julie in Canada
Mike and June are a young, professional couple who live in a busy Australian metropolis. Mike worked as a doctor while June worked in a waiter at a busy restaurant. They seemed to have a perfect life living in an upmarket apartment near the beach with cheerful and social friends. Over time, arguments began to develop over minor issues, such as sharing household chores, laundry, cleaning, and cooking. They had a lot of emotional fights that led to Mike sleeping on the couch most of the nights. Since they could not plan or reason together, they lost several investment opportunities that they had planned in the early days of their marriage.
Mike was the type who always had a solution to anything. Anytime June would share frustrations she goes through at work, Mike would quickly give solutions some of them irrelevant like “Tell your boss you are married “ or “why don’t you work like the others” This would frustrate June more since all she was looking for is someone listen to her as she expresses her emotions and feelings and better still someone, more so her husband to empathize with her. Angered by Mike’s negativity, she stopped sharing with him, marking the beginning of another war. Mike started accusing her of cheating in that now she had another man she was sharing her emotions with.
When it got so bad, almost leading to divorce, one of their close friends recommended therapy to them. This gave them an environment where they could listen to one another, express their feelings and their effects on self and partner, and an effective exchange of thoughts among other communication skills in marriage.
They eventually became honest and respectful to each other, providing a shoulder and a strong pillar to lean on. The new best friends learnt to accept each other’s temperaments, abilities and shortcomings and more so support each other in their dreams, aspirations and endeavours
Practical Ways to Reconnect Through Words
Here are some guidelines you can use to improve communication with your partner and bridge any distance that may have developed;
Listen to learn, not to win.
This is the most critical thing you can learn how to do. Put down your phone and switch off the TV when your partner is talking to you. Could you give them your whole attention? Don’t just hear what your partner says; hear how they feel about it. Reflect what they are saying by paraphrasing or summarizing. For example, you may say “ What I hear from you is….” or “Today must have been a tough day for you. It sounds like you are very frustrated.” This shows your partner that you were listening and heard what they said, and above all, you feel their feeling and emotions and empathize with them
Replace the “you” with “I.”
This is a great way to calm down a fight, it shows you are not accusing or judgmental. Say “The house chores are overwhelming and I can do with some help. Would you be willing?” instead of “Why don’t you ever help me with the house chores?” This expresses how you feel and invites for help rather than blaming or accusing.
Create “us-time” for check-ins
Before marriage, you likely met for coffee or watched a movie. Create time for such in your marriage where you can meet to check in with each other, express your emotions, worries, and other concerns in your life and occupation. Give you a partner and opportunity to speak and be heard freely without you being judged or reprimanded. Allow them to be “them” you may discover the gold in them. If you become consistent on this, you will realise that tension fiddles out, there is improved emotional regulation, increased warmth, care, and love towards each other.
Don’t guess; ask for clarification.
Be congruent and authentic. Don’t pretend to have an answer to everything your partner shares. Even “no” or “I am not sure” is a good answer. When they share something that is not clear, seek clarification, never jump to a conclusion, or “fill in” what they meant. You could ask, “ I don’t seem to understand what you asked. Could you go over it again?”. Or “ I didn’t hear you right, come again”. This will also give you enough time to process before responding.
Learn each other’s communication style.
We interpret and process information differently and couples are not an exception. That fact that you cleaved together to become one flesh in marriage doesn’t mean that you will see and precess things the same way and the same time. Avoid judging or looking down your partner because they are slow in processing information or they communicate differently. Marriage is about complimenting NOT competing. Appreciate your partners indifferent and where you can correct or help them do it with love. This works wonders and creates a stronger bond in your relationship and believe me you will need this during turbulent times.
What the Bible Says About Communication
It’s not new to know how to communicate effectively with people. In truth, many old books and spiritual teachings offer valuable advice. The Bible offers a scripture that is the basis for good communication:
James 1:19 says, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.”
This one verse sums up what successful communication is all about. It tells us to put listening first. It tells us to think before we speak and not just say whatever comes to mind. And it tells us to keep our anger in check, as anger is typically what starts fights that hurt people. This isn’t simply a spiritual notion; it’s also a good way to talk to everyone, especially the one you love the most. We may change our relationships and heal the wounds left by past communication problems with a spouse by following these rules.
From Silence to Connection
The couple I mentioned at the beginning, Tony and Sue, had a follow-up session that I will never forget. They had been using the tools we talked about for six months. As they entered the counselling room, I noticed they were too close, almost holding hands, and this time they sat close to each other. Their faces were glowing a testament of a good and well-connected relationship.
Tony went first this time. “As you may have noticed, things are much better now, but we still have our moments,” Tony said with a smile. “We have been consulting well and giving time to each other.”
“Though It’s not perfect yet, but we’re a couple once again,” Sue said with a smile. We now hold fruitful conversations in place of the silence.
Their experience serves as evidence that communication is about being willing to try, not about being flawless. Even when it feels challenging, it’s about making tiny, steady progress toward your partner. Make a deliberate decision to listen to your partner, no matter their flaws or weakness, to show vulnerability, and to think that your relationship is worthwhile.
Be encouraged to know that true love never dies, and still exists between you and your partner; it may have faded away, but it just needs a little bit of fanning, a new language to express itself. This language is only learnt by those who are willing and patient. Are you?. You can move from a state of no conversation and name-calling to one of deep connection. Re-establishing feelings, care, and connection with the person you love may require time and effort, but the benefits outweigh the costs.
What does it take? A single intentional step, a word of encouragement, or an unconditional apology, is the first step in learning how to communicate with your partner more effectively. One conversation at a time, and you will eventually get there.
Next Steps
If this resonated with you and you’re ready to start rebuilding the lines of communication in your own relationship, I invite you to take the next step.
- Join my mailing list for a free guide: 30 Conversation Starters That Actually Work – These are simple, proven questions that can help you break the ice and start talking again.
- Read my book, Man – Show Up, for more in-depth guidance on navigating your role as a man in a relationship and how to be a better partner.
If you’re ready to start the journey of healing and reconnecting, I also recommend exploring some of my other resources:
- To learn how to rebuild trust after cheating, check out my upcoming post on Rebuilding After Betrayal.
- If you’re feeling more like roommates than lovers, my post on From Roommates to Lovers Again offers practical advice on how to reconnect emotionally in marriage.
- For tips on navigating a common source of conflict, read my guide on In-Laws and Marriage to learn about setting boundaries with family.
This post was written by John Kanyoni, founder of Safe Haven Nurtures. You can learn more about my mission and my work on my About Page.
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